Tortall's Lioness
by Pippa Spark
Summary: 10 year old Aly is tasked with writing an essay - on her mother! Sadly for Alanna, however, 10 year olds are not always very tactful...


**This was written for January's challenge at the Tamora Pierce Writing Experiment Forum. The challenge was to write an essay, on any topic, from any character's perspective. Many liberties have been taken with the term 'essay' (I save my decent, thought-out essays for teachers. I write fan fiction purely for fun) so this may be more of an un-structured rant, supposedly written by 10 year old Aly …**

Essay topic: All of you students, whether you live at the Palace or study via correspondence, undoubtedly have some degree of knowledge pertaining to – as well as an opinion on – Alanna the Lioness, the King's Champion. In this essay, you are tasked with writing within a broad theme: explain to us your thoughts on the Lioness, and the reasoning behind these opinions. Feel free to draw from whatever sources you choose – this is an exercise in contemplation and justification.

Student: Alianne of Pirate's Swoop

Age: 10

Palace or Correspondence: Correspondence

_PLEASE READ THIS FIRST: _

_Sorry about the note, I _know_ it isn't proper, but this is a special circumstance. I just hope you realise that I will be writing about my _mother_ in this essay! I don't think this is quite fair, as you don't know her as I do, so you probably won't understand the reasons behind my thoughts (which are all right, by the way), because _YOU_ don't have to live with her. _

_Anyway, I will write this as best I can – in the circumstances._

Tortall's Lioness

Alanna the Lioness is one the most famous women in the land. There are various myths surrounding her adventures - most of which, I might add, she spread herself - and she continues to fight bravely today as the King's Champion (despite being the wrong side of 40). Some say she is a goddess, others say she's a legend, _she_ says she's a hero, but I think she's very mortal indeed.

Disproving the Lioness's image as a true hero is not hard; part of the reason I'm so short is because my mum's a 'bloody midget' (quote: G. Cooper). Anyway, using _reasoning_, it's clear that she isn't a hero because everyone knows real heroes are eight feet tall. Plus, real heroes never run away – once, my mum was so scared of completing her job (it was something to do with spiders) that she hired someone else to do it for her! I doubt real heroes would get back pain either, or act nostalgic about their younger days. Maybe the Lioness is just getting on a bit (but to whoever's marking this, please don't tell her I said that). And anyway, you should see how much she eats! For a shortie, she can really shovel down the food. Yet it hasn't made her grow – at least, not upwards.

The Lioness's intelligence and mentality leaves much to be desired. If she had any sense, she'd be like my dad, who always says that fighting to win is more important than fighting clean. The truth in his words is proved by the fact that I often win when I practice fighting with my mum, because she's all tied up by the Code of Cavalry (I don't understand how it relates to horses, by the way) and while she's getting all prepared for a proper duel, I go in for the kill early. Biting works really well – she has a very low pain threshold. And then, as if she _wants _to be beaten, she goes by the Code again. And again. And again! It really doesn't make any sense. And yet she's so sensible about certain other things, like paying half the price for paintings and scrying tools by buying them off freelance pirates from Carthak (the pirates say we're their best customers).

And finally, I must add a word on the Lioness's social skills. She's always insisting she never loses her temper, but she always backs herself up with yelling. I want her to go to anger management classes so she won't take out her temper on the wall tapestries (ALL of them have been stabbed) but she never listens. Actually, sometimes she even talks about hating to listen to KING JONATHAN! He can be really formal and dull, according to her. Plus, there's that whole bad feeling about him asking her to marry him and all that. But NEVER bring that topic up when she's around; can you guess why? Yes, she loses her temper. At home, if she's annoyed with the King, she just repeatedly stabs the portrait she has of him in her study (it's all holes now) but who's to say she won't stab the real deal one of these days at court! My dad says he'd like to see that day – it's been really hard for his pirate friends to get near the shore ever since the King put in those funny laws about dealers.

As you can see, Alanna the Lioness is quite the character. She may not be portrayed in a light that you're used to, however, rest assured, I have been 100% honest. My depiction in no way reflects any of resentment towards her for STABBING THE TAPESTRY I AGONISINGLY MADE FOR HER MYSELF, and, just to prove my lack of bias, I have included documented proof of all of the occurrences mentioned in this essay, as well as testimonials concerning her character from the common people. I hope this satisfies your need for justification.

_Mark and Comments (1):__ Thankyou, Alianne, for that truly insightful essay – I dare say I shall never view the Lioness in quite the same way. I look forward to reading your future essays – please continue writing regardless of the discouragement you may receive. I have given you an A for your efforts, however, you final grade averages at a C, due to some unfortunate differences of opinion with the second marker. _

_Signed: Lord Wyldon – 1__st__ marker_

_Marks and Comments (2):__ Just. You. WAIT. When I get home, you're going to be sorry, young lady. Bet you didn't think I'd be marking this, hmmm?_

_Signed: MUM_


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